I have a problem with talking about gun control.

Because I don't believe in background checks, in waiting periods, in guns that civilians should never own.

Of course I'll support those measures, because those are things that happen in the real world. Those are the best we can do, if we can even do that much. They have my vote. But I can't talk about it.

The position I hold is untenable in any debate round. I know that. I can't negate the resolution; I can only offer a critique:

Guns are evil. No one, anywhere, ever, should have one.

Not armies. Not police. Not hunters. Not end-of-the-worlders.

Because armies being able to kill more people, more quickly, is not a good thing. I am aware that the nature of warfare is one of constant escalation, but remember: this is a critique. I do not want warfare.

Because police do not need lethal force to do their jobs, and cannot be trusted with it in any event. (No more can anyone. If librarians had guns we'd use them too.) There are tasers; there are even rubber bullets; there are many ways to incapacitate without killing. Somehow the police of London, etc., get along just fine, and they have to deal with football hooligans.

Because hunters can use bows, and spears, and any other weapon that still has range and requires skill and what the hell difference does it make? If you want to kill deer and stop them from eating my mother's garden, go ahead. Just do it like you mean it.

Because end-of-the-worlders, preppers, whatever, actually have the best argument but I Do Not Care. Maybe they're right. Maybe the zombies will come. I do not care. It is not worth it. The Constitution is an amazing document, sometimes shocking in its prescience -- but sometimes woefully out of touch with the modern world. Our militias are gone; they have been replaced by a handful of crazy, or maybe too-sane people. The Constitution has been amended before.

Guns are evil.

I went to a shooting range once, with a good friend of mine. (And he is a good friend, despite owning a BMW, a cat he paid money for, and a handgun.) I held a gun for the first time, felt the weight of it, adjusted my earmuffs, fired at the target. A few times. Tried to balance the recoil. Smelled the cordite. And then I turned to look at my good friend whom I love despite disagreeing on issues that are fundamental to my being, and also at another friend, who I also love, because eventually you spend enough time with someone that you can't help it -- I looked at both of them, and at the gun in my hand, and realized that it would take only the tiniest movement -- a twitch really -- to kill either of them. I could do it. Just like that.

I put the gun down, took off my earmuffs, and walked out.

Guns are evil because guns are meant for one thing, and one thing only: killing. Quickly, efficiently, easily. They can kill accidentally. They can kill on a whim. They can kill one person, ten people, fifty people and never break a sweat.

If you think guns protect people, you are lying to yourself and ignoring every single study ever done on the subject.

Guns kill people.

So I cannot have this conversation. I cannot talk about how to control guns. I don't believe in guns. And yet guns continue to be all too real.